Assalammualaikum wr wb..

It has been a long time since I last wrote. Almost forgot the existence of this small space of mine. A place where I used to frequent when I feel like reminiscing old memories or expressing something. Prefer to express something here when I am not ready or do not want to hear any response from anyone. Be it my best friends or my family, positive or negative responses.

Life is indeed like a box of chocolates. You will never know what to expect. But in everything that goes on in life, He is the best planner of us all. I believe God plans something for the good of his Ummah. He will not let us go through something that we cannot bear. This is something I believe strongly in.

A lot have been going on, but I just can’t find any peace lately. Don’t know where to start and have been staring at my laptop since morning thinking how I should start this.

I am never good at expressing myself. I prefer keeping things to myself and sometimes, I wonder. How did I manage to keep myself sane all this while

Maybe this is why some people say Love hurts. Then again, we only have ourselves to blame for how we feel.

Memories keep flooding me lately. It has been 9 years. I can never imaging liking someone, loving someone for so long. Been searching for answers, a reason even. Why? How? But am still clueless. But, matters of the heart is something I can never seem to learn to control.

Haven’t I gone through enough to learn to keep my heart at bay? I mean, I remembered clearly how I feel 9 years ago. Just what am I asking for? To hurt myself? Something I tried keeping and hiding all these time?

In all honesty, why did I do what I did? I meant to keep it to myself for as long as I can. Maybe even for as long as I live. Confused about what I’m talking about? Here’s it…

Sometime in November 2016, he has to be away for work. So, he travelled to the States for work. No big deal. It’s not as if it’s the first time right? He travelled before. But, no one ever knows that every time he travels, I have this fear in me. What if he suddenly decides that he’s not coming back? But I never told anyone how I felt. Not even himself. Lame right?

Memories keep flooding back..

There was once when he has to be away for 3 weeks in 2011. I didn’t like what I felt at that time. I wrote about the day me and my sisters went to the airport to see him off but we didn’t get to see him that day. That’s not the point here. What it reminded me of was the fact that I actually had requested to be excused from something at work in order to send him off and my very close colleagues were teasing me about it. What stick to me to this very day was the fact that my boss at that time told them to stop teasing me as it is going to be a very painful relationship. I knew exactly what she meant. The fact that we are both from different background thus, this relationship is going to be a painful and hurtful one.

That statement is something that kept me in check all this while. Whatever I do or feel, should just be kept to myself. But at times, the feelings are too difficult for me to handle. Some situations too.

There was a moment when he told me that he was seeing someone older than himself and that he liked her. No one knows how I truly felt. I can’t tell him about it. I mean, what are we? What right do I have? So, I let it be.

There was also once when I felt so miserable that I was about to explode. Don’t know what to do with my own feelings that I took a walk in the evening after work to Suntec. End up crying at the Fountain of Wealth not caring about the weird stares the strangers were giving me. I can’t quite remember if it was a text message that I received or a call from him that made me cry even harder. It’s like, I want him to know my feelings but at the same time, I am afraid of him knowing about it.

So, coming back to him being away in November 2016. I did what I never would have done in a million years. I don’t know if it was considered as a direct confession but when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he told me he just wanted my heart. I initially, wanted to brush off the statement thinking he’s just saying things because he’s away from home. So, without thinking of consequences or for whatever reasons, I decided to just tell him that he already has my heart since 2008. I felt better letting out what I have been keeping for the longest time. But now…

I feel like I have just burdened him with what I said. I don’t know, just a feeling I got. Yesterday morning he told me he went to my place. When I asked why, he said he’s heart told him to go there. I was worried and disturbed. But I didn’t know how to convey it to him. Also, I felt like I shouldn’t have said what I did. Maybe it was better if I kept everything to myself. I mean, at the end of the day, it will only be me being bothered by such feelings and thoughts which is within my control. I mean, I managed to keep it for the last 9 years why did I just have to let it out. I am so used to keeping everything buried in me and am contented with the feelings I have. Just what was I thinking?

If at any point, I really did not mean to make him feel burdened, troubled or obligated or anything in anyway. Maybe, I really should have just keep my feelings to myself. Should have never let my heart control my mind. I am truly sorry. But, I am only human.

Wassalammualaikum wr wb.....