Assalammualaikum wr wb..


I wasn't able to sleep well last night as I was missing him. I don't know the real reason why he is constantly on my mind despite what he told me a few weeks back. I should be healing by now but I guess some things even time couldn't heal it immediately. Especially, matters concerning our heart.


Even after all the shit I've been through all these years, I thought I was mentally and emotionally strong. But I guess, I was wrong. I am still a wreck. Sometimes, its just so difficult to put up a brave front. I'm tried of forcing a smile, forcing a laughter at work and at home.


Maybe I should have never contacted him at all the end of last year. Should have not replied to he's MSN asking how I was. But I couldn't. Its not my nature to ignore my friends.


I really appreciate and treasure the time we spent together. Just seeing him enjoy he's favourite food was simply a bliss. Just listening to him rattle about he's car tho I don't really know much about cars was like music to my ears. All the teases. All the laughters. Even all he's complains about ERP, other drivers or he's work was a pleasure to listen too.


I think I did the unthinkable last night when I couldn't sleep. I texted him. My last text to him, "Hey D*****, I guess this is gonna be my last text to you. Reason being every time I text my gf, D**** or D****, I'll accidentally select your name or honestly.. it is just paining seeing your name in my mobile. So, I guess you know where I'm getting at. Here's wishing you all the very best for everything in your life and hope everything will fall in place nicely for you as you wished for. I would also like to apologise for things that I've said and done or not said and not done that might have hurt your feelings from the very first time we know each other. Thank you for everything all these while. If ever there comes a time you need some1 to talk too or a listening ear, you know how to find me. I'm all ears. Take Care yah.."


I thought I was gonna feel better after sending the text but to my surprise, I was actually crying my heart's out ! ! He replied, "? Wats wrong with ya ?"


And I leave it as that and cried myself to sleep.


I don't know if what I did was right ? But I think there's a need for closure since he's involved with someone else right ? Be it one sided or not I can't possibly torture myself and let it be just like that.


I decided on the action because when a friend asked me if we are still friends, D***** and me, I honestly don't have the answer to that question. Is it friendship, when a friend doesn't reply to you texts ? Is it friendship in both our situation ? I don't know ? I don't even know if he considers me his friend. Maybe I'm just a consultant. He calls when he needs tips for he's interviews. He calls and meet up when he needs me to view he's resume or proposal. We sounded more like a business associate than a friend. Don't we ? Maybe I am not thinking clear ? And maybe I should stop analyzing and thinking ?


All I can think of right now, is cry myself to sleep again. I don't know how to tell him all this or whether I should let him know all this... I just wish someone could help me convey to him that he is taking too much of my brain juice, too much space in my heart, too much of my time and definitely too much of my energy =o(


Wassalammualaikum wr wb..

Sunday, March 21, 2010

What A Mess ! !