Same thing happened yesterday happened today.
Enough said.
TIRED..
VERY TIRED...
48 days... 7 meet ups.. I need to drop these..
48 days equals 1,152 hours equals 69,120 minutes equals 4,147,200 seconds...
Anyways, who would want to convert just like that, because not only does lifestyle changes, it comes with family ties also. And family ties are more important than any other thing.
We will always remember the good times and there is no doubt about this. It will take some time. But I can get through this. Insya'allah.
Need to bury these and move on..
Therefore, I'm going into my "dead" mode. So long people.
Assalammualaikum wr wb...Today, I felt as though I was in a bottomless dark pit. Nothing I do seems right. I managed to eat lunch. That was a start to recovery. But my head is still throbbing. I don't know why.
Work seems confusing. To start or not to start cross training. To absorb new headcount or not to absorb. To split agencies for the officers or not to split and more.
What I can't stop doing the whole day was crying. Why is he constantly on my mind ?
Every events that took place, played in my mind the whole of today like a movie.
In just slightly more than a month, there's only 7 meet ups between us.
1st Meet Up, 12 February 2009, Thursday (Today is Thursday)Of course I was very nervous, didn't know what to expect. Is he really fine with this meet up ? We are of different background mind him. My biggest fear of all time. My colleague didn't have a good first impression of him and actually advice me through sms not to accept his offer of sending me home.
But from the conversation, I was attracted by the way he thinks. Was contemplating on my colleague's advice. But went ahead to accept his offer to send me home.
Was terrified of his driving initially, but noticed that he has good control of his car. A safe driver. I was convinced. Overall impression - a very nice and humble guy.
2nd Meet Up, 14 February 2009, Saturday (Valentine's Day)Meet up at Habour Front / Vivo early in the morning despite feeling exhausted and terribly sleepy. He initially drove to little india for breakfast but realised that none of the shops were open yet. Of course, its only like 7 plus 8 in the morning.
Finally decided to eat at Burger King at Toa Payoh. Was thinking hard how to order my own meal. I didn't want him to pay for my meal. And I managed to pull through ;o) And again, we just enjoy the conversation though I feel I also talked a lot.
I felt bad. Especially when I clearly knows he was from a 12hrs night shift work. He looks dead beat. So, breakfast was quite a jiffy.
Was contemplating to wish his happy valentine's day cause I was afraid I would scare him. So, decided not to. But it was he who sent me the happy valentine's day message and so I replied.
Overall, though a very short meet up, time was well spent I must say.
3rd Meet Up, 26 February 2009, Thursday (another Thursday)Was feeling restless as he had a low key reservist exercise the previous weekend. Cannot explain the restlessness that I felt. But he told me he would like to take me out for dinner on Thursday.
When the day eventually came, I thought it might be cancelled cause he provide no information for the evening. I was very sure that he might be called up to work, forgot or have other plans. But the plan did materialise though he didn't tell me where we'll go till the very end.
One thing was weird though, when he confirmed the meet up, I told my bestfriend that I have a strong feeling that we'll end up at East Coast. And true enough, we do. Scary or what ! I can still remember the look on his face when he was enjoying the bbq chicken. He really enjoys it ;o) I feel full just looking at him eat.
A very nice guy he is. He brought me his jacket from the car knowing I was freezing. Very sweet.
After dinner, we sat by the beach. We talked. And I felt very comfortable with him. Though we just sat there and talk, somehow I truly enjoy that moment. When I realise that it was late, I decided to just kept quiet despite knowing I seldom come home late and that I still got to work the following day. I just want the moment to stretched. When he realised that his watch was spoilt or something was when we decided to make the move.
There was lots of small funny and sweet moments that night. Overall, a very very lovely night that I've had after so so so long ;o)
But after I reached home from ECP the first thing I did was surf the net. He kept asking for what car I think is nice. So, I did a little research. And found that Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X is a really nice car. The things you do. I know.
4th Meet Up, 6 March 2009, Friday (and tomorrow is Friday)Since I know he enjoys eating chicken. I decided to ask him out for dinner to Seoul Garden. On the way to Marina Square, I was thinking hard on how to pay for dinner as I didn't want him to pay for it. Reason being - he paid for our 1st and 3rd meet up. So, when I got there, he was still figuring out the way to SG. I decided to reserve a place for us and pay first. It does cost a lot but worth it cause knowing he would enjoy the chicken. That was what I hope.
I really enjoy looking at him enjoying his meal. It simply makes one feels good. I don't know how to explain the feeling.
After SG, he still wants Coffee Bean ! Hahaha.. Huge appetite for a huge man. And that day was the very first time he realises my actual height. Heh !
I can really see his love for cars. Especially his car. I had know idea what a car meet up is and was very blurish everytime he talks about it.
And guess what ! We saw the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X at the Kallang Leisure carpark. He was ever so funny not wanting to park near the car as he said he feels inferior. But honestly, I too love his car. He has a really nice car and this is coming from someone who is not into cars.
I still thinks his car is very nice. And the SG meal costing $62.35 was worth the money and time spent.
After this meet up, I began to feel afraid of what I was getting myself into. Because at the end of the day, we are two people of two very different background. Its because, from the 1st meet up itself, people are giving us a stare. Stares that I wasn't accustom to and was afraid to bring it up to him. So, I kept it to myself.
Overall, I would miss him.
5th Meet Up, 8 March 2009, SundayI was in a dilemma on whether or not to give an old friend of mine a visit as his mum passed away. Most of my friends including my mum encouraged me to go. But I did not budge.
Somehow, after he persuaded me, I relent. Weird ? How come because of him I relent. It was so not me. But I thanked him and am grateful that he did. For once, I found my closure yet again and am very sure of it. Though I've found that closure long time ago.
However, throughout the night I was feeling guilty because I didn't know that he was working. He must have been very tired to have come from work just to accompany me to a friend's funeral. I felt terrible.
We went for supper. Was feeling sorry cause he said he hadn't eaten the whole day and still was asked to accompany me.
Overall, I enjoy every moment. There was never a dull moment.
6th Meet Up, 16 March 2009, MondayWas his interview day. Funny thing is, its his interview but I was the nervous one. I really want him to get what he wants. If getting the job makes him happy, anything to help I'll help.
Though I could take just half a day leave, I thought I'll just take one day to support him in his interview.
After his interview, guess what we had for lunch ? Chicken again. This time I decided to bring him to Arnold's Chicken despite knowing that my family is planning to go there in a few days. Again, I can never forget the look on his face while he was enjoying his meal ;o) Was a lovely sight.
He was a little different that day. And I had a feeling its not the job interview that he's talking about. Though he said, his family is against him making a move from his current job, I had a feeling its not it. There was something else that was bothering him. And I think I had better be on my guard.
We went a car workshop. I've never been to a car workshop only bike workshop. And I can see that delightful look on his face when talking about his car and all ;o)
Overall, enjoyed my leave with him despite feeling uneasy at his different behaviour that day.
I actually bought a new top on Sunday just to wear to meet him on that day.
7th Meet Up, 23 March 2009, Monday I had a bad feeling about this day. Its because though he mentioned its his off day, he didn't tell me of any plans despite him knowing I took leave.
Honestly, my office is going through re-org but I still took leave cause knowing his work schedule and his car meet ups, its not easy for us to meet up.
But little did I expect the leaves I took to spend time with him would end up this way.
I was really trying hard to put up a strong front. I did but it cost me a terrible headache. That's the reason why people say, never keep things within oneself. But what can I say, its my nature.
Though I know I have to face it sooner or later, I always thought that it can work out. There are many people that manage to work it out. So, if we try, we might be able too. But a dream will always remain a dream. I got to get back to reality.
So, just 7 meet ups in slightly more than 30days why can't I just drop them and move on. Why is it so difficult ?
The things I do in this 30 or so days:
1) Bought Jason Mraz CD cause he loves the singer
2) Refrain from prawns and crabs cause he's allergic to them
3) Refrain from durians cause he said it smells like baby's vomit
4) Check out online for the possible cars that he may like. Found out the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X cost a bomb and so is his car.
5) Bought a top to wear to see him on his interview day.
6) Check out the salary range for the position he's going for at the Singapore Coast Guard
7) Deactivate speed date account
8) Lastly and the latest thing that I did, check out for email addresses of his interviewees so that he could email his thank you letter to them personally and not through a middle person
I behave like a silent stalker don't I. Sigh !
Can't imagine all I do today is cry. Everything reminds me of him.
I saw a red Mitsubishi parked outside my office I start tearing badly.
On my way home along the Singapore River to Esplanade, I continue to tear to a point a Caucasian woman approached me and asked if I was alright.
While waiting for my bus, I felt restless. Took a cab home. And in that cab I cried. Remembering the way I teased him saying that the way I gave him instructions was like giving a cab driver instructions and we both broke into laughter.
When I reached home, head straight to the washroom trying hard to put up a strong front, a normal front. But I lost. I cried all I can while showering.
Its so hard when you can't cry in the open. Places where I cried today was my office ladies, while performing my prayers in the office (I think one of my officer noticed me cause she came in just after I cried my hardest), in my home washroom and lastly in my own room.
My eyes are to puffy the whole of today but thankfully everyone thinks its because of my MC on Tuesday.
Right now, I need to let go off everything and move on.
I don't understand why I felt this way. Its just 7 meet ups in 30days. That's all. Why is it so difficult to let go ? Why ?
I wish him all the very best ! May he get the job the wants badly and eventually also the car that he wants (Mazda RX8) ! !
I'll just....
Wassalammualaikum wr wb...
Life's Disappointments
Assalammualaikum wr wb...Thankfully, I had two hours of break from work today --> Department's welfare - Department Buffet Luncheon.
Finally, I managed to eat after three days! But my head is still throbbing badly.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"We must accept finite disappointments, but never lose infinite hope"I really feel insecure with my department head leaving. A lot of uncertainties. I have to take on new responsibilities, new portfolio, and a new officer coming in on Monday. Will this new officer be able to work? Will he be difficult? Will he be cooperative? Is he fine reporting to a female senior officer? So many questions but no answers.
How will the new department head be? Will he / she be as nice as my current head? Will the new head be easy to work with? Again, so many questions but no answers.
Currently, I have a very nice and lovable team. Will the new team be fine working with me? Will they like my working style / approach? Can we work as a team? What is their impression of me? Will they like me? Again and again, so many questions but no answers.
This is what I'm facing in my current working life. New challenges that never fail to allow me to discover myself, my potential and to improve on my weaknesses. The journey of self discovery is what I appreciate the most. Hopefully I can answer those questions soon.
Hope all will go well for me and my wonderful colleagues.
With regards to the rest, I'm still feeling horrible and terrible. My migraine is bad. Never felt this way before. I really got very weak immune system. How do I improve it? Take supplements? What supplements? Anyone care to recommend?
Has neen unwell since Monday evening. My head feels like bursting.
I'm thankful that I have a very strong threshold for pain / for feeling hurt. So far everyone in the office thinks I’m fine as per normal. But no one realizes that every time I felt like crying, I would step out of the office and into the ladies. Every time I went for my prayers, I would cry.
Letting go and moving on is never easy for me but I always manage to pull through some how. With great difficulty of course. Right now, I’m confused. Friends? Not friends? Strangers? Total cut off? What? I don’t know.
I am so out of focus right now. How long can this fake smile of mine lasts? How long can I go on with my fake laughter? I am not a good actress. One day the fake smile will fade and so will the fake laughter. I haven’t been in the best of moods lately. But I hope no one notices it.
With everything that is happening, I need a shoulder to cry on, to lead on and to hold on to. But..
Yes.. Only "BUT" is left behind for me to leave in the blanks.
Wassalammualaikum wr wb...
My Friend, A Sadist
Assalammualaikum wr wb..As usual, went for my evening walk to think about things. Two things mainly today.
1) About yesterday's statement - "Why God create differences when he has the power to make everything the same ?"
2) A sadist friend that I face today
With regards to the first thought, I think we should thank God that he didn't use His power to create all things the same. Because if He did, then this world will be in one tone, in one color, so boring, so dull and no challenge.
The problem is how we can appreciate and see the differences as a beauty instead of problems, barriers, issues or hindrance, etc.
I do admire the differences in races, religions, cultures and practices. We should think it, feel it and embrace it.
Anyways, I am who I am, you are who you are and we are who we are. Its not fair to get people to change for our sake or we are going lose the real us.
Last but not least, some things in life are just not meant to be explained.
Now, onto the second thought. Yes, you still got the vibe about us. But I don't. Yes you guessed right that something took place in the last few days. But I can't imagine my friend turned up at my void deck this evening waiting for me to return from work just simply to say, "I told you so". I can see that you are delighted with what happened.
And I TOTALLY DISAGREE with you when you said that he's a coward and not willing to face the challenges of the differences between him and me. There's always two faces to a coin.
He's being honest and not drag things till the very end or both will be deeply hurt. Its better cleared earlier and later. Though it hurts and still does, I can still live with it. Thanks to my parents' upbringing of instilling me with qualities such as patience and sincerity. I've developed thankfully strong endurance due to the past events in my life and appreciate the patience and sincerity that I've developed deeply.
Besides being honest, it can be seen that he has put in thoughts into the whole issue. Who said he didn't put in any effort towards the issue ? If he doesn't, he wouldn't have thought about it at all and come to such a decision.
As for me, we'll see. The doors are never closed. People change. But I won't pin on any hopes at all as I'm tired of the whole cycle. Very tired. The whole cycle just drain me out mentally, physically and emotionally. I think I've had enough of it.
To that sadist friend of mine, as long as you're happy, I couldn't be bothered with you anymore.
Wassalammualaikum wr wb
"Why God create differences when he has the power to make everything the same ?"
Assalammualaikum wr wb...Weird title ? Am I loosing my faith ?
No, I'm not loosing my faith. I'm just thinking about the statement,
"Why God create differences when he has the power to make everything the same ?"Such a powerful statement that can make one's brain burst thinking.
Yah, why the differences ? Because of the differences there's arguments, disagreements, debates, chaos, even war and many more. Because of these differences, barriers are created. Because of these differences, fear is created. I'm always very caution with the differences and fearful. Nevertheless, I also have thoughts and maybe hope that one can overcome such differences. Maybe one in a million, and I am not part of that "one".
When I first told a few of my close friends about the issue and even my mum for opinion, everyone says its very common these days. Don't need to worry. But I had a fear in me about the whole thing. Despite the fear, I don't understand why I still carry on and agree with them when deep in my heart, I know I'm going to fall and get hurt again. I just don't understand. Shouldn't I trust my own intuition, my own feelings, my own thought ? Why did I let others influence me ?
I just have myself to blame because despite knowing that I might obviously get hurt again, I still go ahead with it. I am such a dumb ass.
But when one thinks deeper, if god makes everything the same, wouldn't life be dull ? Would I be going through such pain ? We wouldn't know about that do we ?
And if everything is the same, we would not be able to learn from each other anything, we would not be able to experience anything and life will be such a bore and very very dull.
The funny thing is, despite knowing these and all those other things in my previous entry.. WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH ? I wish my heart works like my brain. I wish my heart is as strong as my mind. I wish things would turn out the way we always want them to. But life is full of unexpected twists and turns.
I'm just exhausted, drained and tired of the whole vicious cycle. Is life unfair ? I don't know. I guess we all have to accept things sincerely. No matter how sincere I am in accepting this, I still tear (cries) when typing this entry. I still don't understand why it have to hurt so much despite knowing and expecting it to come.
Wassalammualaikum wr wb...
T I R E D...
Assalammualaikum wr wb...Just when I thought life was begining to be blissful for me. It is in a way right now, with my career path going where I want it to go. I'm loving my job !
Going straight to it...
Of cause it hurts, I would be lying if I say it doesn't hurt at all. I'm afterall only human. I know sooner or later the day will come. I know right from the start since day one that it is going to be a major issue in this matter. Hint to him a few times. Its either my hints weren't clear enough or he didn't get what I was hinting.
Somehow, both my brains and heart just won't listen. I thought it's going to be different this time. I thought it's going to be all fine this time. But I was wrong. How can I ever agree when he says he's fine with the background thingy in the first place ? Its never fine. Its never easy. Where have my reasoning gone ? My thoughts ? Or is it because at the end of the day, I don't want to regret not giving it a go ? What was it ?
I should have known and should have drawn the line or something. Easier said than done. Though I've tried not to fall with loads of precautions and thoughts put into it, I've fallen yet again. And I'm tired of falling and getting up again. Its draining up my physical, mental and emotional energy. Not forgetting, my esteem and confidence that I've just managed to revive not long ago.
Tired.. I'm so damn tired of going through the whole damn cycle again. I GIVE UP ! Yes. I GIVE UP ! I don't even know why I'm wasting my tears when I know this is coming. Being prepared still doesn't keep on strong.
People thinks I'm strong cause of the way I think. But honestly, I'm an emotional wreack. Very delicate. I hate it when I feel this way.
After writing the above, I just realise I've absorb the negative energy yet again. Gosh !
Yes, life would be dull without such experiences. But I'm tired. Why is it always me ? God loves me a lot, therefore he's testing me yet again ? But am I strong enough to go through it again is the question ? I'm drained, exhausted, tired of the cycle. It hurts too much.
I need to start absorbing the positive energy again. I need to get to the right frame of mind as I need to get back to work with a clear mind. Can I ? In this short time frame. Its going to be hard but I have too. What should I do ?
I've decided that I don't wish to go through the cycle again. I don't want to get hurt again.
I just have one question - WHY IS IT SO HARD ? COMPROMISE ? SACRIFICE ? No, I can't accept it if he's being forced to do both. Its going to be an enormous sacrifice. I'll be grateful if its done willingly but not when forced. I understand it would be hard to do so. But even after undestanding it, WHY DOES IT STILL HURTS SO MUCH ?
Wassalammualaikum wr wb...
