My P.R.E.R.O.G.A.T.I.V.E.

.blog

Is My Decision Right or Wrong ?

Assalammualaikum wr wb...

I did it again.. I'm ever so stupid.. Making the same mistakes again and again...

I wrote D an email

Hey D,

I'm bad at expressing myself and my feelings to people. I prefer to pen down my feelings and my thoughts. My biggest weakness and most probably at the same time , my strength is suppressing my feelings.

Honestly, I wanted to make Tuesday's meet up our last meet up together. That's why I insist on treating you. Especially, when I owe you dinner. This is so that I no longer owe you anything. (I don't believe in my guy friends should be treated as atm machines or chauffeur.. told you this before)

After set backs will "A" and resentment from "T" family, I build a huge "wall" and principles in order not to get myself hurt (I know its very self centered of me). After "T", I refuse to date someone of a different background. That was why "J" and I remain friends. I guess I let my guard down when I get to know you. And without myself realizing allow you to "break down" the wall I've built surrounding myself for the last few years. I know that we know each other for a very short time. But somehow, I feel very comfortable being around you. Even tho every time when we're out together I feel very uncomfortable when people are staring at us. But being around you give me a sense of comfort, so much so that I'm so at ease with myself. I can be myself whenever I'm around you. I enjoy the conversations we have, the jokes, I love irritating you and thank you so much for showing me a lot of things. Really appreciates the encouragements you gave me. Despite knowing what happened to me at Genting, I really would like to thank you for still treating me as normal. (its not the same for my RC & YEC members)

Seriously, I don't know why I'm emailing all this to you. But I really need to let it out. (darn ! my laptop keyboard is freaking wet from my eyes).

For your information, one of the principles I made for myself is not to go out with someone who is already involved with someone else. I managed to cut off so many guys from my life as soon as I know they're involved with someone else (this includes "A"). But I don't know why this time round I have difficulty keeping this principle of mine. Initially, I so much refuse to meet you after our last meet up at ECP, when you told me that you're involved with someone, all I want at that time was to I make myself scarce. That was the only time I refuse to see your face that evening. Because I know, if I were to see your face, I would break down. I totally lost that day.

Tho I so much wanted to move on, I can't seem to stop thinkimg of you. And that resulted in me enrolling for school without thinking or planning my finances. I just wanted to keep myself busy so that my mind will think less of you.

I often question god why he created differences and why is that when he created the brain which it a human's most powerful organ (in terms of intelligence) but in the end, the heart always over rule the brain. It hurts so much. Why must he create woman from a man's bone (he's left rib cage near he's heart). I know I think too much. I know my mind is so complex. You called me an oxymoron before remember ?

The more I think, the more hurtful it gets. I still keep most of your text messages. The more I read them, the more hurtful I get.

I am so afraid. Speaking from the heart and not my brain. I'm very scared. I'm very scared of myself. I'm even more afraid of you. I fear that if I allow myself to get close to you, I'm only going to get myself hurt. (I know I'm being selfish here and not think of your feelings)

Right now, I want to be as far away as I can be from you BUT at the same time I'm so so afraid of losing the fun times we had, tho for a short while.

Gosh, just typing out this email took me more than an hour and the result, puffy eyes and red nose.

This email must scare the hell outta you, right ? I just got my stupidity to be blamed for not listening to the "signs" 1) You told me its impossible before and 2) You told me you're involved with someone.

Just on Friday, "C" shared with me that she and "J" (her hubby) was thinking of introducing me to "J"'s colleague. I was feeling scared. I don't know why instantly, you came to my mind. But I guess. Life is as such. Maybe my initial decision of not wanting to let anyone enter my life after "A" was my best decision afterall. Tho I allow others to knock on my doors but I don't know why I let you in.

Maybe, its time I shut the door again and this time throw away the keys to the door.

I hope I didn't take too much of your time.

I understand if you no longer want to meet after this.

Take Care and be Happy always. Hope your career will turn for the better soon.

VERY STUPID RIGHT ?

Wassalammualaikum wr wb...

# posted by florescence at 1:33 AM