Assalammualaikum wr wb...

Just when I thought life was begining to be blissful for me. It is in a way right now, with my career path going where I want it to go. I'm loving my job !

Going straight to it...

Of cause it hurts, I would be lying if I say it doesn't hurt at all. I'm afterall only human. I know sooner or later the day will come. I know right from the start since day one that it is going to be a major issue in this matter. Hint to him a few times. Its either my hints weren't clear enough or he didn't get what I was hinting.

Somehow, both my brains and heart just won't listen. I thought it's going to be different this time. I thought it's going to be all fine this time. But I was wrong. How can I ever agree when he says he's fine with the background thingy in the first place ? Its never fine. Its never easy. Where have my reasoning gone ? My thoughts ? Or is it because at the end of the day, I don't want to regret not giving it a go ? What was it ?

I should have known and should have drawn the line or something. Easier said than done. Though I've tried not to fall with loads of precautions and thoughts put into it, I've fallen yet again. And I'm tired of falling and getting up again. Its draining up my physical, mental and emotional energy. Not forgetting, my esteem and confidence that I've just managed to revive not long ago.

Tired.. I'm so damn tired of going through the whole damn cycle again. I GIVE UP ! Yes. I GIVE UP ! I don't even know why I'm wasting my tears when I know this is coming. Being prepared still doesn't keep on strong.

People thinks I'm strong cause of the way I think. But honestly, I'm an emotional wreack. Very delicate. I hate it when I feel this way.

After writing the above, I just realise I've absorb the negative energy yet again. Gosh !

Yes, life would be dull without such experiences. But I'm tired. Why is it always me ? God loves me a lot, therefore he's testing me yet again ? But am I strong enough to go through it again is the question ? I'm drained, exhausted, tired of the cycle. It hurts too much.

I need to start absorbing the positive energy again. I need to get to the right frame of mind as I need to get back to work with a clear mind. Can I ? In this short time frame. Its going to be hard but I have too. What should I do ?

I've decided that I don't wish to go through the cycle again. I don't want to get hurt again.

I just have one question - WHY IS IT SO HARD ? COMPROMISE ? SACRIFICE ? No, I can't accept it if he's being forced to do both. Its going to be an enormous sacrifice. I'll be grateful if its done willingly but not when forced. I understand it would be hard to do so. But even after undestanding it, WHY DOES IT STILL HURTS SO MUCH ?

Wassalammualaikum wr wb...